Chernobyl Diaries
3 stars
Starring Jonathan Sadowski, Nathan Phillips and Devin Kelly
I have a love/hate relationship with the works of Oren Peli. I loved Paranormal Activity (as long as I watch the original ending, not the theatrical one), but hated the sequels. I loved Insidious. The River (his show on ABC) was oddly fascinating, but it really struggled to find its footing (I hope Netflix picks it up for more episodes, or he finds funding for follow-up films). Chernobyl Diaries is the first venture of the Peli brand that I’m overall “Meh” on.
Bradley Parker is marks his directorial debut with this film, after a long career as a visual effects artist/supervisor on Fight Club, The Time Machine and Let Me In, among others. He shows some serious promise in the horror genre, and for modern mainstream horror, Oren Peli’s a solid mentor to have. But Chernobyl just takes far too long to get going. We cross the halfway mark of the film before anything remotely scary (other than the car breaking down) even happens, as it relates to the overall plot. There are a few startles sprinkled here and there, but they’re unrelated to the thrust of the film.
This is one instance where it would have been better to show things on camera. I know that, for the most part, what you don’t see is sometimes scarier than what you do see. But Parker took it to the extreme, and you see almost nothing, mostly reaction shots. You don’t even know what the Big-Bad is till almost the end of the third act, but it’s all in glimpses, and I’m still trying to figure out the precise nature of them.
The film is buoyed by a strong, yet mostly unrecognizable cast. I got a little horror-nerd excited when Nathan Phillips showed up. Phillips was in the amazing 05′ Aussie horror flick Wolf Creek (one of the best of the ’00s).
The big plus however is that it’s NOT found footage, a sub-genre that is starting to wear out it’s welcome.
Worth a rent, or a matinée if you really want to see it on the big screen.
Men In Black III
3.5 Stars
Starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Jemaine Clement and Emma Thompson
I’m a sucker for many different kinds of movies. The two that pertain to this review are Will Smith movies and time travel. I’ve been a Will Smith fan since his Fresh Prince days (music career, not TV Show, that’s how far back it goes). Loved the first Men In Black, was OK on the 2nd, and this one was a suitable installment, and greatly enjoyable.
There was always something about K (Jones) that they never really fully explored throughout the first two, that they really cemented with this one. Diving into the character’s back story in a fun, lighthearted way, yet keeping the depth of the character was something I didn’t know if they could properly pull off, but to Sonnenfeld’s credit, he did. And the film is just as fun as the first one.
One of my favourite things to do with the first two was keep an eye and ear out for the throwaway pop culture references regarding who’s an alien, and there’s plenty in both the modern setting and back in 1969. Keep an eye on the background monitors at MIB headquarters, and pay close attention to K’s story about his time in the UK, and his exchange with Bill Hader’s Andy Warhol (one of the best scenes in the movie).
The biggest hinderances are the flow and the necessity. It’s a choppy, uneven film that has great scenes followed by filler followed by not so great scenes. And it fails to answer the biggest question: Why, after 10 years, was this film necessary? It’s fun escapism cinema, sure, but why retread a long dormant franchise?
Fans of the original will not be disappointed, but if you were only lukewarm on them, you could probably wait for the rental.
Battleship
2 stars
Starring Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker and Tadanobu Asano
I never had any hint of a notion that this would be a good movie. Not once. But I would have liked for a character, any character (but preferably Liam Neeson with his growl) to say “You sunk my battleship.” But NOOOOOOOOOOO they were too busy making a movie that’s only slightly better than either of the Transformers sequels.
With two very high-profile flops within months of each other, can the studios stop forcing Taylor Kitsch on us? He’s got Savages coming out in July with Oliver Stone, and that could be where his calling is. Smaller dramas with directors of a signature style. But headlining blockbusters is clearly not his calling. He’s Sam Worthington all over again. Kitsch can act. You could see it on Friday Night Lights, you can see it in this… but he’s just not quite there. He can’t push himself over the edge into consistent, quality work.
Maybe someone else who saw the film picked up on something that maybe I missed, but as I saw it, we were the aggressors in the film. The aliens came to our planet, sure, but we met them with battleships and destroyers. They reacted to perceived hostilities, and acted accordingly. Again, as I saw it, I didn’t notice any hostile intentions instigated by the aliens. We were the aggressors.
It’s that kind of muddled plot ambiguity, along with a ridiculous script that’s on par with the worst of Michael Bay. But the action is solid, and the thin plot that strings the events together is less insulting than anything in the Transformers films.
This will make its way to basic cable in a few years, and if you find yourself with nothing to do one lazy Saturday afternoon (and you still have cable), then you could find worse things to watch. It’s not a complete waste of 2 hours of your time.
The Empty Theatre 
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